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I am Changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
I'm trying
To find a way
to understand
But I need you
I need you
I need a hand

I'M ALIVE!!!!!

In case you were worried....

Well, Gee, Journal....Really?

Today's inspirational quote is: 

"Know this and be okay with it: Not everyone is going to like you." 

It's something I have known, and have been told over and over again throughout my life. However, it has taken until this point in my life to be OKAY with it. I have tried very hard to make sure that EVERYONE I have EVER met liked me. And more often than not, it backfired. People just don't like certain qualities in others, or they don't like certain shapes, sizes and colors. And I need to accept that the things people do not like about me can not be controlled by me, and I can't change them. I have to be okay with who I am and not try to be something/someone I am not or could ever be, which is what was done in the past with some of the people who didn't take a liking to me. I also have to realize that the people who didn't like me because of a trait I posess, or a talent I have, a jealousy they have incurred toward me or other such reason is uncontrollable and unfixable. All I can do is be me, and be good at it, flaws and all. As the saying goes "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter."

It's been a bajillion years!

But I am updating, yay!!

I have recently read "Skinny Bitch" by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. It CHANGED my life. Seriously! It was chock fullof information and advice, with some humor and cheek, and a bit of attitude. After reading the book, and doing a bit of side research, I was compelled to pick up the companion journal, designed to keep you motivated and mentally healthy along with your journey to physical health. I am going to post the prompts that I find effective, as well as my answers to them, in this blog. BEFORE i put them in the book-journal, so that my thoughts are coherent and well-formed when I preserve them for all time! 

 Aaaaaand....I found out yesterday that one of my friends from college is in jail for a pretty horrible reason. It is such shocking news and very heartbreaking because I really didn't think he'd be capable of such things. I don't want to go into detail, because I am not sure how many people know, or want to know, so it's cryptic, but thoughts and prayers are with his family, friends and anyone else his actions have affected.

Ah, well...Onto becoming a better person.

PROMPT NUMBER ONE:
"What have you failed at in the past that you now regret? What task, project, or goal are you avoiding because it's challenging? Today, start taking it on! And this time, don't be such a pussy when things get tough" 

          I have failed at being myself in many situations. I was always trying to be who {insert current compny here} wanted me to be, so there were four or five of me running around. I regret it because I now do not know how many of those connections and friendships could be broken because I am not "that person" anymore, and they never liked "me" to begin with. I was never comfortable or happy with myself or in my own skin, which is why I became an actor --- to be someone else for as long as possible. I regret this decision because there were so many other things that I was...that I AM capable of that would have left me in a much better position in life, that could have led me to more exciting places and people....if I only came to the realization that my "dreams" as they were called were so far out of reach and shot-less sooner, then I could be a lawyer, or a chef, or a doctor. I am avoiding my grad-school completion-test. Partly because it means I am no longer a student, and must FINALLY be an adult, which scares me. I do not want to be older, and more independent. I don't want to have to reach the point in my life where I can no longer rely on my mommy, or even worse, the point in my life where I no longer HAVE my mommy. As crazy as this is going to sound, I have also avoiding finally reaching my goal weight - when I get close I freak out and pack on another 5 or 6 pounds - because I have grown accustomed to hiding behind the weight. It's challenging because I'm what they call a "stress-eater" and i will alwaysgo for the most unhealthy foods when I am stressed. I know it is unhealthy and unattractive, but I also know if I were "skinnier/prettier/happier" it would attract more people toward me. I'm afraid of that because people always leave, and they always hurt you, and if you don't fall in love or let people in close then you can't feel that hurt. I am going to take on the challenge and FINALLY get there, because I have realized that if you shy away from life because you are afraid of all of the "bad" then you miss out on all of the "good", and God-dammit I deserve a little bit of "good"!

My Blackberry....

...is my life now. Thanks, Mom.

Honey, I'm....LOST!

Have you ever been driving, lost in your own thoughts...your internal monologue sounds something like this:

"I wonder what I'm gonna have for dinner tonight....This sweater made my boobs look AWESOME today....Boy's ass looked amazing in those jeans...my hair kind of hurts....omigosh I love this song....just like a circus..something something crack that whip like something circus...."

And then you stop, look around, and think (or say out loud to no one) "How the balls did I get HERE?"

That happened to me three days ago. That was my internal monologue. And just as Ms. Britney's Circus came to an roughly cut, untimely, end (AHEM, z100? She had 10 more seconds!)  I found myself on 46th Street in New York City. I'm not even sure if I can get there if I WANT to! How does one drive through the LINCOLN TUNNEL without realizing it? How do you turn down streets and get stuck in city traffic without knowing it?  With her catchy beats and "can't-really-understand-me-but-you're-gonna-try" lyrics, Ms. Spears had me singing at the top of my lungs, and dancing like the dorky girl that I am, all the while I've driven out of my city....out of my county...and out of my state altogether. If ever I get my hands on her new address, she is SO getting the bill for my $8.oo toll. It's all Britney's fault.

And...maybe it had something to do with Boy's ass.

New Meme: FUN ONE!


1. Pick 20 of your favorite movies.
2. Go and find a still from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. When someone guesses correctly, write the name of the movie.
5. NO Googling, using IMDb search, or other search functions. 
EDIT 3, 8, 10, and 11 have not been guessed correctly!

Image Overload! Guess away!!Collapse )picking only 20 was HARD!Collapse )

Fruitabu...


First, thanks big to cmujoiseyboy 

I'm pretty sure he called to wish me a happy bday,but my phone went wonky for a spell and couldn't get the thing to answer the call or play the message. So...love ya!!!

In other news, a fellow clean-eater gave me packs of fruitabu for my big day, and at first I was hesitant (it says "splooshed" on the package. It's "smooshed" fruit!) But...upon nibbling....found out they were INCREDIBLE!!! OMG. They're sold at Wal-Mart and at their website www.fruitabu.com.

Go buy them - organic, unsweetened, unprocessed fruity goodness. In both snacks and roll-ups. No they aren't paying me. lol.

Also, got a new bedclothes set from my momma, and a Hello Kitty keyboard for my PC that I am trying to learn how to use right now. The buttons are in different places, and the spacebar is smaller so I have to look at the board to type until I get used to the changes, lol. My bro and sis-in-law bought me the 50th anniversary Smurf!! It sings!!! Many friends and loved ones sent birthday wishes and I am so grateful to all of you! Big love! Muah!!!

Jan. 7th, 2009


         
                                                                                          


                                                                                                      That is all.

A Parallel Poem!

In two days...
I will be 25.
I will be a quarter of a century old.
I will have nothing to show for it, tangibly.
I will spend my birthday alone, as in single, for the first time in 6 years.
I will not be happy about being older.
I will not be "in my early 20's and allowed to make mistakes"
 I will have to realize that I have only kept ONE of last year's resolutions.
I will be forced to catapult into adulthood and come to terms with the incredible debt I have amassed and no longer be able to say "I'm just out of collge, and this is what is expected"
I will have to realize that I have only kept ONE of last year's resolutions.
I will not be "in my early 20's and allowed to make mistakes" 
I will not be happy about being older.
I will spend my birthday alone, as in single, for the first time in 6 years
I will have nothing to show for it, tangibly.
I will be a quarter of a century old.
I will be 25.
In two days...

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! WHY?!?!???!
 
And if you look at it sideways it's the empire state building....or a big ass middle finger....saying a big "F U" to being 25.

On a lighter note, it's rather easy to stick to my current resolutions. Haven't broken one yet, yay me! (OMG, am I morphing into London Tipton?) 

...the rest of the cast and I decided to be "figure friendly" for our after-show meal. Since Bebe is a pure vegan (and a wee bit of a DIVA!!!) she asked....insisted....demanded that wherever we went had to have "vegan" options. Jay pulled some info up on his iPhone (sic) and we ventured into the heart of NYC to go to BLOSSOM. http://www.blossomnyc.com/

It is not too far from the theater, still on Ninth Ave...but in the low 20's. We walked. It was cold. VERY cold. BUT I had the ravioli with cashew creme, not filled with cheese but with spinach and pine nuts. It is listed as a "starter" but they give you more than enough to make a whole meal out of it. I also had my very own mini-pot of Berry-Berry loose tea, and BOY was it GOOOD! The Blossom Cheesecake, which Gally ordered and I only had one bite of a la my resolution to be only half of me by next December, is a measly $8 and the size of my face. It was AMAZING!!! While I was wary to eat dessert in a "vegan" place, I must say the substitutions made were unnoticeable! Not that I have the will power (or remote desire) to be vegan (I loves me some beef stroganoff and could live on cheese and eggs if I had to) but with places like BLOSSOM floating aruond my neck of the woods, it would be an easy lifestyle to maintain. Good. Healthy. Affordable.

NOTE TO WHOEVER TAKES ME ON A DATE NEXT : we go there. Deal? Good.

Also - went food shopping today and spent $104. This will feed me, three meals a day, for two weeks. WTF, economy? Give me my "$85 a month" food-budget plan back!